Last week some time as I was minding my own damn business scrolling through my twitter timeline, a tweet jumped out and screamed for attention.
The Milf Diet.
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, I thought. A quick google confirmed my original diagnosis. Absurd. I immediately went to Coles in Kildonan Place and snatched a copy; declaring May ‘Milf Month’.
What is a Milf? The term MILF means (to keep it clean) a mother with whom I’d like to fornicate.
According to Jessica Porter, these days MILF has become quite the compliment! That;s because unlike other sexy terms that stay connected to a brothel floor, MILF has dusted itself off and sashayed into the nearest health food store. It’s magical.
We are the Madonnas of a certain Madonna/whore complex us Mothers. We are. Rush off to the PTA and then come and fuck the DILF (get into this later) while wearing aprons and pearls with the most DELISH vegan chili simmering on the stove.
Essentially, it’s a glorified vegan diet (oh, god. no meat or cheese) with a whole shit load of insanely ridiculous advice.
I’ve been given a list of Milfy foods to start my Milfification process (D-Day May 1). My pantry is stocked to the tits with black beans, white kidney beans, red kidney beans, black-eyed peas, chick peas, brown rice, Quinoa, rolled oats, spelt, barley and millet.
I’ve got brown rice vinegar, brown rice syrup, brown rice rice krispies. Gluten and dairy free chocolate chips. Leafy greens, bright reds and oranges, almond milk (in 3 delicious flavours) and a pocket full of optimism.
I’ve got Daiya ‘cheese’, firm tofu, non-dairy spreads, pure fruit spreads, hemp seeds and natural peanut butter.
This is the no-fun diet if I’ve ever seen one.
With my transition from frumpy fat ass to MILF I can expect to:
- lose weight
- feel lighter inside my body
- have more energy
- feel happier and calmer
- have better skin
- experience a cooler temperature inside my body (what?)
I will also be treated to:
- Easier bowel movements. In fact, without meet, my poops should get lighter in colour and even float!
- Additional mental and physical flexibility
- I will become more sensitive to energy and vibrations
- I will become softer and MILFIER
The detox portion, you know, when your carnivorous, cheese eating inner goddess realises what you’re doing and freaks the fuck out I can expect to delight in a cocktail of the following:
- diarrhea AND constipation (double fun)
- weird body odors (like, what the tap dancing BJ?)
- aches and pains
- strange dreams
- irritability and any other number of funky things
So like, I totally can’t wait.
And for shits and giggles, I’m also going to keep this diet within the parameters of the Weight Watchers points program. Because WHO DOESN’T LOVE A CHALLENGE?
There are so many other hidden gems in this book I can barely stand it. Will post updates or follow along on twitter using #MilfDietWpg.
I’m so having the biggest, juiciest, rarest steak on April 30th and June 1st. Like, still mooing rare.
What’s the craziest diet trend you’ve followed? Want some recipes? Are you a MILF? Do you want to work on your MILFYNESS with me? We can bosom buddy up!
Wish me luck and Cheers!